The First Secret Keeper
by cheers88
Summary: Several weeks before October 31st, 1981, James takes the safety of his family into his own hands. But in times of war, even the best intentions can carry unbearable consequences. Angst alert


This was supposed to go up yesterday…oops =) I've had this idea for a while & hope that I pulled it off! Angst alert.

* * *

His words echoed in her mind, a dull vibration that thudded in her head and dropped straight to the pit of her stomach.

"_What I want tonight is for each and every one of you to look me in the eye and tell me that this fight is your fight. Because if you think you've struggled with hardships, with demons, with sorrow and sacrifice –if you think you know what it feels like to be left out at the mercy of the cold, _alone_, with nothing but your fears and an ache inside of you—if you think you're hardened, I want to be the first to tell you you're bloody _full of shite_. This war is going to beat you to a pulp; it's going to break you into pieces and scatter them so far and wide that you'll never be able to put them together. You lot aren't daft—I see skill in this room and I see that sheer _fucking_ bravado that comes with youth. But listen here; listen good when I tell you that you know _fuck all _about pain. You think you have nothing to lose, but you have _every sodding thing in your life_ to lose. And before you make this oath tonight, I need to know that every last one of you is ready to lose it all." _

And she had been. Or rather, with her nearest and dearest surrounding her, eyes blazing with a passion for the cause—with her fingers tightly entwined with James's—she had been able to look Alastor Moody in the eyes and be convincing. But that was three years ago, and she didn't know that girl now. She had no sympathy for the foolish whims of that girl who had so fervently believed that she would sacrifice anything for victory.

And as it had for the past fortnight, an invisible force overtook her at the mere thought of James—at the remembered feeling of their hands warm and sure in a tender clasp. This force was a hand that closed around her windpipe, a fist that squeezed her heart, a weight that made it impossible to move.

"_This is…it's the only sure option, love. You know…you can't possibly think that I haven't run every scenario through my head and grabbed at every one that keeps me with you. But the only thing I want more than to stay is to keep you safe. You and Harry…I need you both safe more than I need anything else."_

_She had choked back another sob, hiding her wet face in the crook of his bare arm, angry and ashamed and so pathetically devastated that she didn't want him to see. She was stronger than this, she was sure of it. So then why was she suffocating?_

"_D-d-don't say t-that. D-do you think that isn't w-what I need? What about what I need?" A fire was burning in her chest, in her throat. She lifted her head and shoved at his body. "Does everyone think I'm too weak? Why hasn't a-anyone asked if I would do this? I would do it! I can help…I_—_."_

_Gently, he halted her hands and folded them in his own. "Harry needs you. He doesn't…he…he needs his mum. Lily, Lily, please look at me. This is temporary—."_

"Temporary_?" Her eyes were wild. "Don't make me promises you can't keep, James Potter! Temporary! Has there been another bloody prediction that the three of us make it out of this? That life goes back to normal, that good conquers evil and this whole bloody war was nothing but a nightmare?" _

_She expected him to fight—spar with her like he always had, that familiar chemistry crackling and sizzling in the air between them. But he hadn't had fight in him for weeks._

"_I don't want to spend tonight like this." He leaned forward to brush away a strand of hair clinging to her damp cheeks. "I…I want to memorize your face, your smile, your lips, those dimples in your chin." He traced a finger along the slope of her face. "I want to touch every part of you, and hold you, and watch our son sleep, and hope that it takes away a fucking_ ounce_ of how this feels. Please, please let me." He shifted his weight, drawing her closer. "Even if you have to lie a bit, just tell me this is right. Let me keep you safe. You always make me better. Help me, Lily, help me protect you. I need to protect you." _

"_I won't let you say goodbye. I won't." She rose up on her knees and cradled his face between her palms. Her voice broke. "I can't."_

_She could see his eyes bright, even in the darkness, and a glimmer of hope bloomed in her chest. The look in his eyes was all too familiar, and when he crushed her body to his—hands tangling in her hair, mouth warm and pliant, tongue parting her lips—the earthy, masculine scent that was James enveloped her completely. It made her forget._

_There was no place but this. No two but them. There were no goodbyes. There was no reality—only this exquisite escape that they created together. _

But reality had indeed returned, and with it the feeling of being crushed. For her sake—she knew it—he had tried to make the previous few hours like any other morning. But when it came to James Potter, she was an expert in small subtleties: The press of his forehead to her back as they stirred awake. The lingering of his lips when they'd kissed good morning. Near constant touching—his hand at her waist, on her shoulder, at the base of her spine—as she had cooked breakfast. How he'd insisted on feeding a squirming Harry from his lap, ignoring his coffee and the morning Prophet so he could effectively bounce the toddler from knee to knee. She'd even caught him testing and adjusting various household fixtures with a discerning glance and a quick swish of his wand.

It had been the sweetest of mornings; a tender display of cherishing that had filled her with stones.

And now she was left to wait outside of a room in which others were detailing her husband's fate for the next several months. Dumbledore and blasted Moody, Frank Longbottom and Sirius and Emmeline. And Alice, stranger to the kitchen of a home she barely lived in, was fumbling around, making a mess of her counters and herself as she fixed tea. Dear Alice, who had cooed at Harry when they'd arrived, scooping him out of her arms and settling him in a cot with their boy Neville. Fortunate Alice, whose baby was no longer marked by Voldemort, whose husband would be sleeping next to her that night. Poor Alice, who Lily could barely stand to look at.

"Lily?"

She forced herself to look up, willing her eyes to not betray her bitterness. She didn't much care if she failed.

Alice was proffering a cup of tea with both hands, her lips upturned in the slightest of smiles. "I mixed in a bit of sugar. I hope that's all right."

She supposed Alice could still worry about trivialities like whether or not her guests liked sweetener in their tea.

"It's fine." She accepted the cup and dropped her head, the warmth against her hands surprisingly soothing. "Thank you."

Alice remained in front of her, very still. She could feel her eyes but refused to meet them.

"Lily, I—." She paused and took a steadying breath. "I didn't wish this on you. I-I never wanted it to be Neville, but I didn't hope it was Harry, either. I know those two things sound…mutually exclusive, but…I don't - I don't know how else to say it."

_Oh, just look at her. You're better than this. You're a mother, too._

She raised her head. "I didn't hope it was Neville. I rather hoped it was all a big mistake."

Alice smiled again, but it was humorless. She laid a soft hand on her shoulder, and bent forward to lay an unexpected kiss on the top of her head. "It is, Lily. It is."

The sound of several footsteps arose from the adjacent room, and Alice straightened as the rest of their small group filed in. Emmeline leaned against the far wall with a deep frown etched onto her face. Moody seemed to have moved on to another topic of strategy with Frank—a surprise attack in Cardiff, something to do with Elphias Doge. Dumbledore was watching her carefully from behind his spectacles and Sirius was regarding James with nearly as much intent.

Her husband's eyes immediately sought hers, and she noted—with another _whoosh, sink_ of her stomach—that the strength in his demeanor had been cut in half. He was standing very straight, as if concentrating on keeping his shoulders high and set back. His mouth was set in a firm line, but his stare held the longing of someone who hadn't spent the past night tangled in her embrace. She wanted to race over and wrap herself around him, and yet she was once again numb.

He raked a hand through his hair, clenching a fistful before briefly detaching their gaze to survey the room. He looked suddenly panicked, eyes wide and alert.

"He's in Neville's room." Her voice was louder and clearer than she'd attempted, attracting the room's attention. "I'll get him."

With the aid of a purpose, she stood and crossed the room in a moment, briefly feeling the brush of James's hand at her back as he followed. Little Neville had fallen asleep, but Harry greeted his parents with bright eyes and a wide smile. His chubby arms stretched up toward her, his butt bouncing joyfully against the cot.

"Ma! Ma ma!"

For Harry, she could muster a genuine smile. She lifted her son and cradled him to her chest, kissing his forehead as James pressed his nose to his downy black curls. She locked eyes with her husband, and inclined her head out the door. James followed her into the next spare bedroom, where she turned and faced him point blank.

"Tell me now. I can't…I can't be in front of everyone when you tell me." She whispered the words almost straight into Harry, cuddling the baby even closer to her heart.

James lifted his head. "Professor Flitwick is going to help with the spell. He'll be along in a few hours." He swallowed, hard. "I'll be starting in Dover and moving every two or three days. I-I was hoping that you might consider an…amendment of sorts to the plan."

The lump in her throat made it impossible to speak. She blinked back tears and swiped at her eyes with the hand not holding the baby.

"I thought that perhaps you'd like some company…and you'll need help with Harry…"

"_James_." She didn't even know what she was demanding. For him to speak faster, slower? To stop talking altogether?

"I asked Sirius if he would—."

And that was quite enough. She took a pronounced step away from him. "So, let me make this _plain_. Y-you're tagging off your fatherhood to Sirius Black?"

"_Lily_—." A tinge of anger had laced itself into his voice, but she wouldn't back down.

"Should we rummage up some adoption papers? Is that what you want? Is it? You can pass off your wife and son to your best friend and go and play the bloody hero?" Her words were furious and cruel—louder than she intended—and she wasn't even sure if she believed them. All she knew for certain was the blood pumping heat through her veins, the flush spreading across her cheeks, and the sharp taste of bile at her throat.

"I sure as hell can't stand by and let any of this continue! Not for another fucking second, Lily. I need some goddamn peace of mind! You…you and Harry, and Sirius, you're the only family I have left. I can't lose you. I can't even bear the _option_ of losing you."

"James, listen to yourself! _You _can't bear the option of losing us. Well, _I_ can't bear it either and you're _forcing_ it on me. How is that different? How is it different in the least? I can't do this. I won't, I can't, _please_, please."

"This is the only way we can be one-hundred percent sure!" His eyes blazed. "Nothing they could do to me would ever make me give it up. Nothing."

"There are _so_ many others who feel the same, James. _Dumbledore_ even —."

"How do I allow someone else to shoulder this burden? To let someone else step in front of us as…what? Bait? A human shield? I'm tired of sacrificing the people I love to this war. I'm _done_ sacrificing the people I love to this war."

"But you'll sacrifice _us_?" Her voice broke. "And I don't mean me and Harry, James, I mean you and I."

He faltered, and there was a shift in his eyes. "Of course not. That is the last thing I want."

She stepped closer to him, gripping Harry tighter as her arms began to shake.

"I don't feel brave anymore…I'm not. Everything…it's all different. Don't take away half of the reason I wake up in the morning, _I need us_. You can't leave, y-you can't possibly leave. I-if you do this, I won't be able to forgive you. James, I'm so afraid. Please don't make me resent you…please, please—." Her knees felt weak and wobbly, her mind fuzzy with this blanket of grief. She was sickened with panic, about to collapse, about to—.

She let out a broken wail and sank to the ground, cushioning Harry as she dropped. James immediately fell to his knees along with them, wrapping his family in a tight embrace.

"_I'm sorry_…Lil, I'm so, _so_ sorry…Don't hate me, please don't hate me. I-I don't know what to do…I don't know what's right anymore. I love you. _I love you_." He ran his hands over and over through her hair, repeating this last sentiment with each stroke, careful to give Harry room between them.

They sat like this, wound in each other, for several long minutes. She tried to focus on her breathing, to achieve any semblance of calm. She wouldn't be able to get her point across if she was hysterical. She needed to pull herself together—show him that they could be strong together.

She placed a chaste kiss on his shoulder and looked up. "We're a team. This isn't the first time we've been up against him, James, and we've survived it _together_. I think that's our upper hand. We make our family the priority above all of it." She looked down at her son. "We love each other as much as we can and hope that it spares us."

His eyes were glassy, broken. "What if we can't protect him?"

She sat up so that she could scoot closer, running a hand along his cheek. "What if we can? When we start to give in is when he starts to win."

His voice was soft, weak. "I won't be able to keep you safe."

She felt a clenching in her chest. "And I can't keep you safe." She dropped another kiss on his shoulder. "But I can keep you here."

He looked at the floor, a heavy silence overtaking them once more.

"Da! Hi, da!" As if just now realizing his father's proximity, Harry squealed delightedly, flexing his tiny fingers and reaching eagerly for James.

A small smile graced his lips and he gladly obliged, gently scooting the baby into his own arms as Lily shifted to allow the transfer. He lifted him briefly over his head—one of Harry's favorite games—and the boy let out an infectious giggle. When he lowered him back down, bright green met hazel. It was a familiar love story; James's second.

"Coercion at its finest. Ah, well, if you insist, mate."

And for what felt like the first time in weeks—maybe months—a knot in her chest loosened. The invisible hand was gone: she was free, she could breathe. There was still so much to lose, but this one thing was hers to keep.

She let out an exaggerated sigh. "Thank Merlin."

He reached out for her knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm a mess, Evans. Reckon you could've done way better. Remind us both why you put up with me again."

She snatched up his hand, smiling at the use of her former surname, and entwining their fingers. "The alternative is unthinkable." She nudged his leg with her toe. "But if you think about handing me and my son over to Sirius Black ever again, I may reconsider my options."

A tap on the door startled their slight reprieve.

"Please tell me that someone in there has scrapped this bollocks plan." It was Sirius, further proven by his head popping between the door and its frame.

"Did you really think I was going to allow you to step in as my substitute husband?" She cocked an eyebrow. Warmth was spreading back through her and it was contagious.

"Just couldn't get her on board with that last detail." James's lips quirked, a shadow of her favorite lopsided smirk. "Pity."

"_Thank Merlin_. Mate, you wouldn't have made it out there alone. You aren't nearly rugged enough."

"I am plenty rugged, I—."

"You collect broom polish. You know, so you have a smooth surface for your dainty arse."

"I can't believe I was so eager to protect you, you cretan."

Lily let out a pointed cough, effectively breaking up the spat. "Do us a favor, Padfoot?" She widened her eyes imploringly. "Tell Moody we need a new secret keeper."

He narrowed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them wide again they were brimming with a foretelling mixture of mischief and determination. It was a most Sirius-like look.

"I'll do you one better."

* * *

Hope you enjoyed…promise the next drabble will be happier! Reviews are much appreciated ;)


End file.
